Father

 

Wow, my meditations today were deep … in truth, it took two meditation sessions to really feel like I got what God wanted for me from the quote I was meditating on (from my prior post, “Siddhartha“).

It’s interesting to me how, just when we think we have “arrived” at a certain place … a place of having worked through all of those ancient barriers within … another reveals itself.

The Buddha’s quote was about loving yourself … that you could search far and wide, but you will not find anyone more worthy of your love … than yourself.

So I concentrated myself on this task.  I did something I don’t do very often any more … I created a solid shell around me; one that would keep any and all outside interference away.  All of the bonds I have with friends, loved ones, or anyone else that I keep my heart open for … I turned those bonds inward on myself … for that hour of time, I was an island alone in the world … just myself, and God.  It felt good … at first.

For some reason I began thinking about my father.  My father is a missionary.  When I was four years old he left a lucrative job to become a missionary.  I never really thought about it at the time, I was only a child and it was simply the reality of my world.  When my mother died, after four long years of fighting cancer, my father was hell-bent (pardon the expression, lol) on finding a replacement wife.  Not only did he have two children; me at age 11, and my brother who was 13 … but as a Christian missionary, he could not have sex outside of marriage.  I didn’t learn about that motivation until later in life … but sure enough, he had told my oldest sister that he simply couldn’t be without sex any longer.  So, he began dating immediately after my mom was buried, got engaged months later, and the marriage was roughly nine months after my mother passed away.  As a child, I kept looking to my dad to fill the void within me from my mother’s death … and instead, I ended up losing him as well.

All of this is ancient history in my life … been there, worked through it with my dad in my twenties, we went through counseling, and we have been fine ever since.  So I was wondering why all of this was coming up yet again.  I felt a prompting from God that I needed to get up and write my dad … to tell him about the spiritual changes, and transformations in my life … to ask him about his own spiritual transformation, and find out about who he is/was as a person … instead of the fantasy that every child builds up in their head … that their parents are either some sort of super-hero, or super-villain.

I went back to meditate again, after writing my dad, as I felt there were still things to process … and something that God wanted to reveal to me.  As I began meditating on the Buddha’s words again it became clear.  Ultimately, some part of me still believed I was unlovable.  As a child I took my dad’s repeated rejection of me and after years of fighting against it … I finally came to the conclusion that I was simply unlovable.  In a large sense … ever since then I have been on a quest to find that person, or career, or accomplishment … that would convince me that I was lovable.

It’s amazing, isn’t it?  The power parents wield in the lives of their children … decades can go by, and we still deal with these things.  The younger the child when it happens, the deeper the scar.  Anyone who can make it to adulthood having had a good childhood, with loving parents … should be HUGELY grateful for such a gift.  We are shaped by them in more ways than we know … and often times the parents don’t even realize the damage they did.

I am looking forward to hearing back from my dad … he’s in his mid-seventies now.  It will be a good thing to get to know him in this way … before his soul goes to be with God.  I am glad that God revealed this to me today for more than just that reason though … now I can continue to love myself, and know that I am worthy of that love. 🙂

——-

Religion4All is an idea: that every human being (no matter their race, religion, sexuality, social status, lifestyle, or any other possible factor) is LOVED by God; just … as … they are.

We all are loved by God, and NO religion or person has a monopoly on it. Every single person on this planet is loved equally by God … SO many are cut off from God because they are told they don’t belong. God loves everyone … we ALL are beautiful creations … we don’t need to cringe when we hear the words “God”, or “religion”, or their judgments … God LOVES us all!

There is no requirement to change in order to be LOVED by God, or to LOVE God. God is LOVE, and LOVE is God … period. There is no one who God loves more than anyone else … there are only those who choose to LOVE more … to love God more, and consequently then to love each other more. In doing so, we grow closer to God … and know God.

By opening our hearts, and minds to God (free of boundaries like religion, or social trends); by LOVING God … we are exactly where we are meant to be. If we maintain that openness, never allowing any person or event to make us close our hearts, we will be guided by God to be who we are meant to be.

In that space of openness we can then live a life of LOVE, and be guided to where we are meant to be … forever in LOVE.

Southern California, Northern California,Mission ViejoIrvineLos AngelesSan FranciscoMarinSan JoseSan Juan CapistranoSanta AnaPalm SpringsLong Beach

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5 Comments»

  Rev Dani Lynn wrote @

Ah yes, the ever present inner child. – – That was a beautiful blog, thank you for sharing. It’ll probably ‘hit home’ for many readers. 🙂

  Religion4All wrote @

Thank you … I do find it interesting to see just how many things in our lives ultimately stem from our parents. It truly is amazing … and really highlights how incredibly important being a good parent is! 🙂

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  Patience is NOT just a Virtue « Religion4All wrote @

[…] just call them breakthroughs!) that have been ongoing in my life (the post was called “Father“).  My father is a missionary and he left a fairly lucrative job to serve God when I was […]


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